What does Abandonment look like?

As a child I was well provided, I lived in a home with my parents and 2 siblings. All the necessities of life like food and clothing were always available. One of the pieces I never understood until recently is that almost all my needs were met except for one; my emotional needs. What I mean by this is that I know my parents loved me, that is not a question. But I did not feel that love or the connection to it from my parents. I felt abandoned as a young child, learning to figure things out on my own. I never felt like I could speak my mind because I would get in trouble if it was something they didn’t agree with. It always felt like a losing battle. Eventually you just stop trying to say things because you don’t feel safe. When a child feels ignored like they are not seen or heard they begin to internalize all their feelings. This is exactly what I did. I just didn’t feel safe speaking or think anyone cared what I had to say, so I stuffed all those thoughts and feelings down. There was no healthy outlet for me. This is what abandonment looks and feels like, it doesn’t always present itself in a super traumatic experience.

At that time, communication between parent and child did not exist. And what tends to happen or at least in my case was after bottling up my emotions for so long there is a big explosion of anger and frustration. When you express this emotion, it is so overwhelming that you lose control of your senses. Then after the situation occurs, you feel bad like you are a bad person. Next, the guilt sets in and then shame.

This is a common pattern I see around me. These are the type of conversations I’m talking about that I have witnessed in my own culture and around me. For generations there has been no awareness of emotions or acknowledgment of the importance of allowing yourself to have feelings. To be able to just give yourself permission to feel. To allow others to express themselves without judgement. To allow people to just be without feeling responsible for their emotions or feeling like it is a reflection of you.

This lack of emotional intelligence is often the foundation of unhealthy behaviours and patterns you experience as you get older. When you are scared to really speak your thoughts because you think someone might get mad. Instead you say nothing and try to suck up your emotions. Over time as you continue to not speak your truth, you start having physical symptoms of discomfort. This occurs because that energy you stuffed down has no healthy outlet or nowhere to go and it becomes the catalyst for your body issues. I know this thread well and found myself experiencing physical symptoms from the anger I was holding in my own body as an adult. All of this can be worked on if you are willing to try something new, allowing the space for you to heal.

This is the kind of work I support people with, if you’re interested in learning more, email me at info@commonopal.com